If you've been a contemporary Christian for more than three days, chances are you've sung the song "Oceans" by Hillsong about sixteen times already. It was all the rage when it came out a few years ago, and it's still popular. Everyone seems to think it was their personal theme song.
Know why? Because it is. It's a song about trusting the Lord in when it appears to be impossible to trust Him, simply because you are His, and He is yours. It's a song about wanting to go deeper in faith, about the desire to be the one who gets out of the boat to walk on water. All of us are pre-programmed to have that desire, for we have been "predestined for His purpose" in Christ (Ephesians 1:11). And His purpose requires a lot of trusting without seeing, a lot of confrontation of fears...and a lot of adventure.
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I've sung those lyrics over and over again, and I have a confession to make. I used to feel pretty good about myself, because when it comes to circumstantial faith--that is, moving to a new place, believing for a new job, financial breakthrough, relational breakthrough, and all the impossibilities of the physical and social world--I have been the one out front leading the charge. It's just my personality. So I used to get super into this song, not because it was a prayer, but because I felt I'd already done it. Believing for miracles? Sure, no problem. I was pridefully confident that I needed no help in this area.
But there's an element of trust that I was completely ignoring. I had no trouble believing that God was good to me in a physical sense--that He would bless me, look out for me, give me favor with superiors, give me great success. But I was still having trouble allowing Him to answer the essential questions that struck me with fear every day of my life. They are the questions I woke up every single morning asking....and, if you're honest, you probably do too:
Am I worthy to be loved?
Am I acceptable?
Am I good enough?
The answer to those questions in my heart was usually a resounding "no"..... and, on some days, laughter from my soul with an "Of COURSE not! That's ridiculous!"
So I went to other people to satisfy those questions. We all do it. We try to belong to a group: with clothing, with music, with food, with over-scheduling, with under-scheduling--in short, with performances of any kind. We will bend over backwards, and some of us risk our very lives, to hear those words from our fellow-man: "Good job! That's impressive! We love you!" In other words, You are adequate to be accepted. You are included. You are good enough. You matter.
Statistics say we are the most depressed and apathetic generation of all time. And it's not because of the problems of our world. It's because we are the first generation to live in a globalized world with access to so many choices about who we "want to be" that we become overwhelmed. We have more ways of expressing who we think we are (social media, YouTube, blogs, etc.); constant bombardments of choices that confuse us; a ridiculous number of avenues for rejection, all in real time and with a digital footprint we will never outlive. Never has a generation been told more often that we are valuable and believed it less. Our selection of poisons is unprecedented.
The essential problem of our generation of Americans is not war or economic crisis or political turmoil or hunger or sex trafficking or abortion. It's an identity crisis. And we are desperate.
But back to the song.
The questions kept coming back, making me feel like a failure at work, making me feel rejected by every person in my life, making me feel as though I would never get married and have a family of my own because obviously I was too unworthy to be loved. It made me criticize others because I felt like I had to prove myself better than they or I would be ignored, thrown aside, trashed. It made me run and run on the hamster wheel of comparison. It made me evaluate every tiny mistake I made not from an objective standpoint but as a life-and-death determinant of my value. One little error could send me into crisis mode.
Sounds psycho, right? Welcome to the human condition.
I could trust Jesus to give my life direction and even meaning, but not to give me identity. And no matter how many times I told myself, "My life is hidden in Christ. It only matters what He thinks. He loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I am worthy."......I still struggled with those feelings of inadequacy and need for approval from other people. I couldn't talk myself out of it. I couldn't read enough self-help books. And I couldn't ignore it. I knew that God loved me, but knowing wasn't enough. In fact, trying to reason myself out of it only made it worse, because I could never convince myself; and then I would feel like even more of a failure, because if I were a "good Christian," then just believing God loved me would be enough---right? I condemned myself daily for my desire to be approved by the world, but I couldn't stop. It was like an addiction. Guilt and shame was a normal part of my existence, and it made me hate myself in the inner reaches of my being.
This thing was eating me from the inside out. Finally, I hit such a low point of misery that I cared more about getting out of it than I cared about my pride.
And that's when God could really work.
I came to Him in humility...not because I was a "good Christian" who could magically adopt a humble, Christ-like attitude, but simply because I was so miserable that I didn't care about my pride anymore. Humility is like that: you can't manufacture it. It comes only when all else fails. And God has the mercy to place it inside of us then, that we might finally surrender to Him.
I HAD to stop trying in my own strength (which had proven to be completely weak anyway) and actually trust Him to answer the questions that my soul had been asking in its deepest reaches since I was born.
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
See, I think that, yes, this song is about trusting Him amidst trials; but I think the real place where "trust is without borders" is not outside of us, but inside of us. We are still trying to answer those existential questions by ourselves. And we are coming up more and more empty-handed every time.
I think the true test of trust is whether we will allow Him to take care of our addiction to the world's approval and to our own self-acceptance.
Zero percent of your value can be based on what other people think. Zero percent can be based on what you think of yourself. Zero percent can be based on your performance. Absolute zero. Your value must completely be founded in what He thinks of you. But that's way easier said than done. You have no ability to believe in your God-given value by yourself. You need His help. He is the only one who can do it. You can't think your way out of it. You can't even pray your way out of it. The only way out is to trust Him to be bigger than your own issues.
In other words, the only way out is worship.
I had to say, "Lord, I am inadequate to prove I am adequate. I can't even believe what you say about me on my own. But I trust you to be bigger than my own thoughts and failures. I'm going to stop trying to change my own way of thinking. I trust you to do it for me." Then....I just worshipped, focusing not on my inadequacies but on His goodness and His bigness over anything I could face.
When I feel tempted to evaluate myself based on approval from others, when those critical thoughts and fears come up, all I have to do is say, "Well, Lord, You're going to take care of this." And He does.
And the freedom that has come from that, even in a few short weeks, has completely changed my life.
Before Peter stepped out on the water, He didn't say, "Jesus, stop the storm." He didn't say, "Teach me how to put my feet in so I don't sink." He didn't even say, "Give me courage to walk out there to you." He said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water" (Matthew 14:28).
Lord, if it is You.....show us that we are acceptable.
Lord, if You are who You say You are.....show us that we matter beyond all human opinion, even our own.
He is who He says He is. You can trust Him with your identity. He will make you into something better than you ever thought you could be.
Spirit, take us deeper than our feet could ever wander--and our faith will be made stronger in the presence of our Savior.
Just in case you haven't heard this song enough, here is a remix and a cover for your listening pleasure:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cNW6_n1NRU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POK2yIO914c
