and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.
Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
who equip yourselves with burning torches!
Walk by the light of your fire,
and by the torches that you have kindled!
This you have from my hand:
you shall lie down in torment.
Isaiah 50:10-11
It isn't surprising that one of the most prevalent childhood fears is darkness. Humans don't like darkness. We like to see what is around us and ahead of us. We invented electricity and nightlights. We are afraid when we are unsure of where we are or what might leap out at us in the night, even in our own homes.
To be honest, I feel as though I am in a season of darkness.
I have been blessed with a part-time job here, but there are no opportunities in my field in my home state. I have been applying to jobs in other states, but it is incredibly hard to get a job somewhere when you are not physically present; it looks like a wall to me. God has given me great dreams for ministry, but I haven't the slightest idea how to make these vague visions reality. I don't know what will happen to me or when it will happen to me.
I believe that God is good. I believe He has blessed me and will continue to bless me beyond what I can imagine. I know for sure that He is working His best plan, and that what He is going to do for me is beyond what I could ask Him to do.
I just really don't like sitting in the dark.
To an adventurous, driven person who thrives on action, darkness doesn't feel as scary as it feels just plain boring. God's plan doesn't seem to make as much sense as I expected it to.
But here's the lesson: my expectations need to be altered by divine reality--not the other way around.
From my worldly standpoint, it looks as though I have been cut off from the divine favor I have always enjoyed: doors opening before me without any effort, God just pouring resources and friends upon me without me even asking. It looks like I have suddenly become another one of the world's forgotten children, having to get a part-time restaurant job because "the job market is hard" and "it's impossible to find a job these days" and "even a master's degree is useless." Just another twenty-something with no direction whose trajectory upward has been completely blocked by the wall of rejection and her own confusion.
So I've done what I know how to do from a worldly standpoint: contact every connection I have, apply for every job that "makes sense," write the best cover letters the world has ever seen, and keep persistently applying until there are so many versions of my resume saved on my computer that it crashes. Using this methodology, I have gotten more than one job, but none of them paid enough for me to live on. So I feel as though I am careening wildly around a room full of locked doors with no way out.
But God has not withdrawn His favor from me. I have more than enough to keep afloat until I find full-time work. And, what's more, He could have given me any of those jobs I applied for--but none was right. He has His best plan, and He will accomplish what He purposes for me (Isaiah 55:8-13).
I have my eyes set on a job; He has His eyes set on eternity.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalm 62:5)
I have been alternately frustrated by darkness and overwhelmed by joy at what I know He is accomplishing for my sake as I wait. I think He is gently using this time to prepare me for a lifetime of trust in Him. He is slowly simmering me down to reduction, a sweet syrup of trust, until I am in complete submission to Him. Although I have not been the most receptive student, He persists in teaching me, because He knows that submission is necessary for the amazing things He has planned for me to do in my life.
I have this promise from Isaiah, that if I work and work to light my own fire, to blaze my own path, I will lie down in torment. It is far better for me to walk in darkness holding the hand of Jesus than to destroy the path He has made for me with my own ambition.
That's the thing: I'm not sitting in darkness. I'm standing. I'm walking, even. Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.
I don't know what in the world He is up to, but I can tell you this: that it is going to be crazy, and I am going to LOVE it!
He is not training me to be independent: to learn to see the future, to steadfastly endure trial, to dig in my heels and believe. Quite the opposite. He is teaching me to draw close to Him with the trust of a daughter and hold on to His hand.
The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand (Psalm 37:23-24).
Even and especially when he walks in darkness. Even though, by the world's standards, it appears that I am falling, that I should fear and tremble, I am holding tight to the hand of my Father. I'm still walking. Because I am walking after Jesus, my steps are much more firm than they would be if I insisted on seeing the way.
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