Person-Pleaser

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything (1 John 3:19-20).

This post is for everyone who struggles with self-condemnation. That is, this post is for every human being on earth. (It is not for cats. Good thing they never struggle with self-condemnation.)

Nearly a year ago, I wrote a post about self-deprecation. My Father has been working on me, and I want to tell you about how He lovingly took my hand and drew me even further upwards and away from this issue.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).

I am a people-pleaser. I sign myself up for every activity and strive to do my best at the things that interest me. But in all this over-scheduling and intense competition, I am not seeking the approval of everyone else. I am seeking my own approval, which I measure by some standard that I have created for myself based on my human perception of my abilities and gifts.

I must fulfill "my potential" by enrolling in every activity that interests me or that I'm good at. I fear settling on one thing, because then I have "limited myself." If I choose one thing, I'll never live the thousand lives that I have dreamed for myself. I will never prove to myself that I can do all the things I think I can do.

In other words, I'm not people-pleasing, exactly. I'm person-pleasing. And the person is me.

I have spent my life comparing myself to others, struggling with self-condemnation when I make mistakes, and becoming irritated at myself, all in the attempt to earn my own approval.

This all came to a screeching halt as I journaled and prayed. Unexpectedly, God revealed to me that I am harboring unforgiveness against myself for past mistakes.

He doesn't condemn me (John 8:11; John 3:17). He isn't sitting around remembering all my transgressions. Jesus died on the cross so all of that could be cleared away. He's not looking for opportunities to bring up my failures; He's removed them from me as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

The only one bringing my failures back up again is me. He has approved me, but somehow that isn't enough for me. I feel like God, the creator of righteousness, is not a harsh enough judge. I need to approve myself. I need to prove myself, in fact, by competing in every race I can, always trying to beat my own time.

When I engage in the self-justification process, I ALWAYS come out judged unworthy. But the opposite is true of God. The Bible consistently refers to God as a parent to us. A new mother is extremely attentive to an infant, and when her little one is in trouble--sick, dirty, tired, screaming--she doesn't pay less attention to it, but rather gives it more care.  And God gives us more attention when we are in trouble. While we were yet sinners, he died for us (Romans 5:8). As soon as we open our mouths to cry, he runs to us (Isaiah 30:19).

A baby has nothing more to offer its parents than a smile, but the parents treasure that smile above all else. God responds to us the same way. He has already designed a perfect plan for me based on His {completely and utterly accurate} perception of me as a beloved daughter. I don't have to prove anything to Him. He knows everything and loves me constantly. I just have to smile while He cares for me.

Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord! (Psalm 25:7)

Wait, by whose goodness is God remembering you and your past?

Not yours. His.

So why am I remembering my past in the darkness of my failures, when His steadfast love is pouring His righteousness over me? Why do I waste time telling myself that my mistakes "aren't as bad" as others, when that really doesn't matter anyway, because He has approved all who bear the name of His Son?

I would never harbor such deep unforgiveness toward another person, but apparently I have trouble letting bygones be bygones when it comes to my own sin. Self-resentment is sneaky, lurking beneath the surface to arise and accuse us when we are weakest.

It is especially hard when we are in the thick of the battle, fighting to overcome a familiar sin. Sometimes, overcoming big issues is a process, and we are always moving forward, but the enemy tries to sow lies into our situation by telling us that we will always struggle with sin. Sometimes the lying voice you hear the loudest in those times is your own.

"You'll never do right," you tell yourself. "You will always bring yourself down with this sin. The second you forgive yourself, it will come back to haunt you. Grab onto it and don't let go, or it will come back to attack you! You will ruin yourself!"

If we hold onto our sin to prevent it from attacking us, we can't let it go. We are forgetting that it has already been completely obliterated, defeated, demolished, vaporized in the power of the cross.

In speaking of his responsibilities as a gifted leader, Paul said, But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself (1 Corinthians 4:2-3).

Paul understood that, in his merely human wisdom, he didn't have the right to judge himself. The law, the word of God, is the only righteous judge. In my last post, I wrote about how Jesus IS the law made flesh. And the law has already sacrificed itself to fulfill itself. (Is your mind blown yet?)

The Word fulfilled the Word. The law fulfilled the law. The righteousness of God made you righteous. Then who is there to judge you? When you're covered with the blood of Jesus, He's already forgiven you. Who are you to accuse yourself, when the one against whom you sinned has already forgiven you?

Like the woman at the well, we struggle to earn our water, to "pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps," trying to prove to ourselves that we are worth approval. All the while, Jesus is sitting on the well, holding nothing against us, offering us living water that comes with no price.

I had to forgive myself of my past sins. My prayer to God was that He would change my mindset like an air filter. I want to be consumed by His love for me, not by an all-consuming need to compete against myself. I am learning that the one I was created to please isn't me. In fact, He isn't a person at all, and He is already just as well pleased with me as He is with His Son.