Supernova

This school year has been a year of great freedom and contentment for me in general, especially over the past few months. I'm finally rolling with the freedom from insecurity that Jesus died to give me, and I've been in a place of awesome closeness with God, and it's all because of His mercy and grace.

But the Christian journey is nomadic, and we don't stay in one place for long. Nobody wants to camp in the same spot forever. No matter how nice and lovely it is there, you're eventually going to run out of food. So a week or two ago, I felt kind of a snapping of fingers in the spirit, and the Lord saying, "Ok, now!"

It was an invitation to move on and become more mature in my faith. But I didn't know how...so of course, proactive A-student that I (think I) am, I asked. I was like, "Do you want me to fast and spend like all night in my prayer closet, Jesus?" <I might be a little intense.> But His answer surprised me. Long story short, God rocked my face off with Isaiah 58.

I had been praying for these things: that I would be able to help rebuild the ruins of people's hearts, that the light of Jesus would go before me and blind people wherever I walked, that I would restore people's relationship with the Father through the ministry of reconciliation, that I would become a strong garden rooted in the love of God where other people could come and make a home.  I begged, "Jesus, just let me be a supernova of your light!" <Like I said--intense. Go big or go home.>

I normally don't put this long of a scripture in my blog, but the whole thing is good. I know it's about Israel and has historical significance, but the same God who wrote it writes on my heart under the New Covenant, so the same principles apply. Here's the CAV (Christi Annotated Version):

Cry loudly, do not hold back; 
Raise your voice like a trumpet,
And declare to My people their transgression
And to the house of Jacob their sins.
Yet they seek Me day by day and delight to know my ways, (Um, holla....exactly what I was doing....)
As a nation that has done righteousness
And has not forsaken the ordinance of their God. (Wait....)
They ask Me for just decisions,
They delight in the nearness of God. (Um....)
"Why have we fasted and You do not see?
Why have we humbled ourselves and You do not notice?"
Behold, on the day of your fast you find your desire (Eek!),
And drive hard all your workers. (Basically, you are irresponsible with relationships...that hits home...)
Behold, you fast for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist. (Ouch.)
You do not fast like you do today to make your voice heard on high.
Is it a fast like this which I choose, a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it for bowing one's head like a reed
And for spreading out sackcloth and ashes as a bed? (Ok, ok...I won't go spend all night in my prayer closet)
Will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to the Lord? (I think that might be rhetorical. Just maybe.)
(Now pay careful attention:)
Is this not the fast which I choose,
To loosen the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the bands of the yoke,
And to let the oppressed go free
And break every yoke?
Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry
And to bring the homeless poor into the house; (That means YOUR house)
When you see the naked, to cover him;
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh? (I've avoided a few relatives in my time.)
(And if you do these things, here's the promise:)
Then your light will break out like the dawn, (supernova, anyone?) and your recovery will speedily spring forth;
And your righteousness will go before you; (like, maybe what I was asking for?)
The glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
You will cry, and He will say, "Here I am."
If you remove the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger (ouch) and speaking wickedness (ouch ouch....)
And if you give yourself to the hungry (not give them food...give them YOURSELF)
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted (to be set free and loved),
Then your light will rise in darkness (sound familiar?)
And your gloom will become like midday.
And the Lord will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places (hold up, Holy Spirit...I don't want to go there...or would I rather just camp in the same place all my life?),
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be like a watered garden (garden, what??...come on, somebody),
And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.
Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins (say WHAT?!?);
You will raise up the age-old foundations;
And you will be called the repairer of the breach (ministry of reconciliation, anyone?),
The restorer of the streets in which to dwell.
If because of the sabbath, you turn your foot
From doing your own pleasure on My holy day (I may or may not use Sunday as a personal day for me....)
And call the sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable,
And honor it, desisting from your own ways, (Me? I would never do everything my own way...right?...)
And speaking your own word (ouch again....if you know me, you know how much I like to talk....and maybe share my own opinions....),
Then you will delight in the Lord,
And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth (that sounds like fun, honestly);
And I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken. (He spoke the whole world into being, so when He opens His mouth, probably we should listen.)

As per usual, the Lord used His own word to answer the exact questions I was asking. #mindblown

He was like, "You want intense? You want more of Me? Go and find me where I am. I'm not in your prayer closet, where you pray for your own pleasure. I'm next to that homeless guy on the street. I'm right beside a small child that needs affirmation and something to eat. You want to be near me? Go be near them."

Ouch.

I ask for growth... and then He sends it my way in the form of people, and I'm like, "Uh, no, this is not what I asked for." And He's like, "Uh, yes it is." Frankly, I would usually rather go fast or spend a day in my prayer closet. But it's not about how "intense" you get for God. The true test is whether you will lay aside your own desires and serve Him by serving other people, not out of religion, but because you honestly love Him and want to obey Him.

I read this and then was even more distressed because I don't know how to feed the hungry or set people free or break every yoke. I think He means these things literally, but I don't even know where to begin.

So, again, I asked. He said: "Just do it every day."

I am more than willing to jump on God's bandwagon for the big dreams of my life--all kinds of crazy ministries I imagine. But that's not what Jesus did. He sold out for God, of course, but the way He did it was day by day, person by person--small decision by small decision.

See, I think--if I want to grow spiritually and get more of Him--God is asking me to do is put aside all of these crazy dreams I have and just sacrifice my flesh every day, paying attention to what He is asking me to do. I can choose to stop talking and "pointing the finger" at someone else, and say positive things instead. I can choose to stop for one of my students who is having a rough day and listen to him or her. I can choose to stop what I am doing and help a friend, or even a stranger. There may be two or three small things, three or four small ways I pay attention to someone or do something for someone when I would rather do something else.

But if I listen to Him and do it, that's the kingdom of God, both inside of me and out. Smallest things can give the biggest growth, because they are daily, repeated statements of your commitment to the Lord. And, before I know it, the big things will happen. Because if He can trust me to listen in the small things, He can trust me with the big things.

I don't think this is going to be easy. You see, I was praying to be a supernova of God's love, basically consuming everything in my path with the radical presence of transformative light (intense again....sorry). But then Holy Spirit whispered to gently remind me that, when a star becomes a supernova, it has to die. So the brilliant light of my desires dying will bring forth the magnificence of His desires coming alive.

And that's what I want. (However much I may whine about it.)

I hope this encourages you. Go love on just one person today. You will fill the heart of your Father with joy.