You are not alone.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

{Ephesians 2:10}

The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;

You support my lot.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

{Psalm 16:5-6}

You are not alone.

I know that, sometimes, you think you are. And sometimes you may isolate yourself. But you are not the only one going through the thing you're experiencing. 

I haven't had too many encounters with spiritual warfare in my life. It's not something I commonly experience. I've heard other people's war stories, and I thought they were being dramatic, honestly. But now I understand.

This post is not meant to glorify the enemy, but rather to expose his schemes in order that he might be defeated. And to let YOU know that you are not alone in the battle. And to glorify the One who has already won the day--totally, utterly, and without dispute: Jesus Christ. And that's not an emotional conviction or a fairytale whim. It's a cold, hard fact.

I guess I should start by making a confession. If you're reading this, I can pretty much assume that you know me in person, because I don't think I get much traffic on this page other than friends. And if you know me, you know that I am the person that you call for detailed, specific prayer. I am known for my extravagant faith. And I have never struggled with some of the "big time" sins that people are shocked by (as if there are really "better" or "worse" ones). I've been what the world would consider a "good girl" my whole life. But I have battled with something that may surprise you: doubt.

Yes, me.

And we're not talking about the "Does God love me?" or "Is God really good?" kind of doubt. We're talking about the "Is God even real?" kind. 

It doesn't hit me that often, but there was a time in my life when it was very real and very oppressive. And a couple weeks ago, it happened to me again.

You see, the enemy likes to find our greatest strength and make it our greatest weakness. He likes to find God's dreams for our lives and turn them into his nightmares.

In the Garden, the first thing the enemy did was accuse God, calling Him a liar. He likes to accuse God of what he is himself. Then, as soon as Eve bit (literally), he accused her identity: "You're naked. Look what you've done!" So Adam and Eve responded with 1) shame, and 2) isolation, hiding from God.

That's how our world got into the mess we are in: someone listened to the devil accuse God and then themselves. And they believed him. Most of the world is stuck in this pattern, because most of the world doesn't know Jesus. And I have great compassion on them, because they are disconnected from the One who made them, the only One who can tell them who they are. 

But some of us know Jesus. And since the enemy can't destroy us, he tries to undermine our purpose. He tries to incapacitate us so much with lies that we are unable to connect with God or to go after what He has for us. 

But here's the good news: we aren't unaware of his tricks. And he's already lost. The only thing to do is recognize his voice. It's his only weapon. 

In my case, the devil first attacked my concept of God with those big doubts, just like he did with Adam and Eve. Honestly, a lot of my theology needed to go anyway. By that I mean me thinking I could figure God out based on some formula in my mind. But the devil doesn't mind that. He wanted me to just throw out the idea that God even exists.

I know that sounds crazy coming from me. But I am telling you so that you know you are not alone, if intellectual doubt is something you've encountered. 

And I want to encourage you: if you've been attacked in this area, it is likely that you, like me, have a tremendous gift of faith. When I was in college and struggling through mountains of doubts and hopeless depression, I would still pray, and I would still receive highly specific answers to prayer. It was crazy. So be encouraged. God is not afraid of your doubt. He knows we can't understand Him.

Good news: the devil couldn't bring me down with those doubts. Even though they seemed very real, stressful, and terrifying, I fought through them because I'm just plain, well, stubborn. It's another one of the wonderful qualities He gave me that creates in me such strong faith. 

So he tried something else. 

I know that I know that I know what my purpose is on earth, and I have big dreams about it. Guess who else knows my purpose? .....Right. So he began to feed me every deep, dark fear I have associated with the areas connected with my dreams, trying to convince me that my ministry will explode in my face. It was all-out war, no holds barred. Every worst case scenario came to my mind, and with every one, the devil reminded me: You are not in control. You have no ability to direct your future. Your whole life will be ruined, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You see, he will find your biggest dream. When he finds that, he'll infuse it with fear and turn it into your worst nightmare. Then, he'll find a half-truth that makes his lie just believable enough for you to swallow it.  

Then, once you've bitten and swallowed, he'll come right behind and slam you with hopelessness: This is how it is, this is how it's always going to be, and you're never going to get out. Give up.

The devil has no new tricks. If he can get us to incapacitate ourselves with fear, he doesn't have to use any other strategies. He doesn't have to oppose us in any other way, because we'll have done ourselves in. He's right: we don't have as much control over our futures as we tend to think. There is One who does, and the enemy would love for us to distrust Him. If we do, we will never even attempt to go after God's purposes for us, because we'll believe lies about Him and about ourselves.

This is not mental illness or anxiety or depression. I've never suffered from any of those. Those are legit issues that people have, and they should be addressed medically. But this was something else. This was an attack of the enemy. He knows I'm getting close to my purpose, to the fulfillment of my dreams. He can't stand the thought. So he started throwing every fear he could think of in my face to see if he could take me down.

But--NOT THIS GIRL. Keep reading the story.

The fears that have come over me the past few weeks are ridiculous. They are nightmares, the opposite of anything God would have for me. They indirectly accuse God: He has nothing good for you. He is going to leave you and allow your dreams to be destroyed. The fear and the hopelessness were literally sickening--like, my body actually felt the stress. My mind would receive a thought, then think and think and think about it until it was all I could think about. I would spin around the circle of thoughts, trying to reason my way out, trying to find hope, and just ending back up where I started.

It was terrible. It was torture. I now have compassion on those who have suffered with this all their lives. 

When you look at them objectively, the lies that were coming to me actually seem pretty ridiculous. But there was just enough half-truth in there to make them seem very, very real--like everything about my future was definite, and none of it was good. And I believed that they were my own ideas. 

But they weren't. And they definitely weren't God's. I didn't know that, though, until I finally heard a lie that was so ludicrous that I said, "Wait a second....." 

It was like that point in a movie when the villain, in order to get the hero to join forces with him, is pretending to be something he's not, and the hero is beginning to buy it....until the villain slips and says something that reveals his true hand.

And my response was, "Oh. No. You. DIDN'T!"

It was then that I realized what frequency I had been listening to.

The Lord doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (1:7). I used to say that verse over and over as a kid. Fear is a spirit. And it's not God's spirit. He would never give you that. 

But somebody else would.

So if you're experiencing paralyzing fear and incapacitating hopelessness, know that those things are coming from a source that not only isn't God, but that has already been defeated. I know it seems very, very real in this moment. It looks like the truth. But it's not.

The very area where you're attacked, where you feel weakest, is probably your greatest strength and holds the key to your purpose.

If you're struggling with sexual thoughts, you probably have a powerful marriage ministry and a deep capacity for relational intimacy and acceptance. If you are struggling with anxiety, you probably have a ministry of faith and peace. If you have experienced thoughts of unforgiveness and bitterness towards others, you are probably meant to be a powerful example of the ministry of reconciliation. If you are battling feelings of unworthiness to be loved, you probably have the greatest servant-love ministry the world has ever seen. Think about it. Think about where you've sinned and fallen short the most, where you've felt the most insecurity. Somebody has been lying to you. He can get you to sin in these areas because he's already fed you a lie in your mind. Count it all joy to be persecuted by the enemy, because it just confirms your purpose.

Are you getting free just reading this? I hope so. That was my intention.

I heard a pastor last weekend give a great sermon on being a soldier and keeping your eyes forward, on Jesus. He told a story about an owl he saw flying by his car. The owl was just cruising, and a mockingbird came up and started chirping and squawking and generally annoying the owl. When the owl landed, the mockingbird just kept up relentlessly, buzzing all around the owl's head--but the owl just stared straight ahead.

The pastor said that the Lord told him, "See the wisdom of the owl."

An owl knows that a mockingbird is absolutely no threat to him. He isn't even worth the trouble of turning his head.

Our enemy tries to parade himself as something scary--prowling about "like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8)...In other words, he has no bite, but he's looking to see who will believe in his roar. And his major battlefield with Christians is our minds. 

But once you know whom you're dealing with, the lies are actually kind of funny. Now, when he comes to me with something ridiculous, I declare the opposite out loud (just to annoy him back). And when he accuses me, I get to laugh and say, "I know you are, but what am I?" Then just keep moving. I know who I am. I know where I'm going. And I'm not going to give in to his lies that would keep me from that purpose. I am not going to engage, listen, and act upon his negativity. 

I refuse to submit to the devil's dreams for my life. He doesn't have a say. He doesn't get to plan my future. That privilege belongs only to my Father, who is good, and whose plans for me are good. The best, in fact. 

I'm not saying I'll never hear those lies again--on the contrary, I'm sure the enemy will try over and over to get me to bite them. I'm sure he has a long, relentless, and annoying plan to pester me, just like a mockingbird. But I am no longer afraid of his schemes. I am not afraid of what he wants to do to me. I belong to Jesus. And NOTHING can separate me from His love, no matter what happens (Romans 8:31).

If you're struggling, don't be ashamed. God is not afraid of your struggles. And He's right there with you. And you're definitely not alone as far as humanity is concerned--Adam and Eve fell for the tricks, and they walked with God every single day in the Garden. And I'm not belittling your struggle. I know--I KNOW--it is hard. I know the lies seem real, especially if you've heard them all your life. The weight of them feels crushing. 

But we have ALL been there. One thing I've learned through this process is that other believers will have your back. When I was unable to fight for myself, others came up next to me and swung their weapons at the enemy--and their prayers are powerful. If you're going through spiritual warfare, the last thing you should do is isolate yourself. Find believers you can trust and get them to fight with you. We are much stronger together. 

You see, my life is not a product of the devil's worst nightmare. In fact, I am his worst nightmare. And so are you. 

In the words of a great modern-day sage: "You can run and tell THAT, homeboy!"

Rocks

This is the cliff I dove from in Belize about a year ago. That spot on the left side, just behind that clump of greenery, is where I pushed off.

To get to the top, you have to slip and slide your way up through a whole bunch of underbrush, where tropical creatures are lurking, and sometimes your only handhold is some flimsy tree root. It's not exactly the easiest climb.

Then, when you get all the way up there, you're stuck on this little tiny ledge of slippery rock. Not my idea of the greatest launching pad. You could slip, and the whole thing's a bust.

But what made me really hesitate is the rock you can see in the left of the picture. From that angle, it doesn't look that big. But from up there on the tiny slippery ledge, you can see just how far it is jutting out beneath you into your fall zone. And let me tell you, folks: it was far.

It's not like there's a hospital anywhere near this place. There are no ambulances or medical professionals. And if you actually do get to a hospital (which would take a few hours), it wouldn't be an American hospital. I thought to myself, "If I hit that rock, I'm gonna die. Or at least be paralyzed." Worst case scenario had a field day in my head.

I sat there thinking about that rock and calculating the risk for a long time.

It's important to calculate risk. But I calculated for a little too long, and the ledge got really uncomfortable. A few other people went ahead of me (which wasn't easy, since they had to squeeze past me on the ledge). I watched them, telling myself I was figuring out the best way to jump. As I sat there, some weirdly tropical bug bit or stung me on my, um, upper thigh. It hurt really bad. I was in a pretty precarious spot already, and my feet were slipping in mud. There were plants tickling me. The thought of going back down the way I came was slightly more repulsive than jumping. It was nearly impossible to climb up; going down again was unthinkable.

This blog post is going to be super ambiguously metaphorical, but stick with me.

We all have our rocks.

I'm not talking about simple risks. I'm talking about big ones. I'm not talking about steps of faith--overcoming those little fears and then telling your Bible study about it next week. I'm talking about leaps of faith. The kind people write books about. The kind that change the course of your life.

We all have areas where we've experienced defeat over and over again. We all have fears that are so deeply ingrained, sins that have been our companions for so long, that we don't remember being without them. These are things that YOU have to decide to confront, or they will sit there forever, jutting out into your fall zone. Most of the time we ignore them, walking in denial, until we're forced to look them in the eye. But I bet even now you're thinking of one or two.

What's your rock?

Because God is gracious, there usually comes a time in your life when He offers you something that may be a big blessing, if you can just jump over a rock.

I've got a rock. And when I look at the rock, my old friends come out to play. These friends have names like Distrust. Control. Impatience. Pride. And their mama is Fear herself. They're a great big ugly family that I think we've all met. And when it comes to making a decision about something that really is a genuine risk to your heart, they love to come bring their family reunion to the bottom of the cliff and party on your rock.

Uncle Negativity likes to fire up the grill and start cooking up every worst case scenario in the book. These nightmares come straight out of half-truths, but they are lies from somewhere outside of reality. They're the scare tactics of the enemy.

Suddenly the rock starts looking a lot bigger than it actually is. Something that was a regular, normal risk becomes an unfathomable mountain. Your life, your purpose, your identity, your future are all at stake. Cue life crisis. The family of lies usually invites their cousins Anger and Despondency. And Hopelessness is always close at hand, ready to dance with them.

Don't act like you've never been there. And if you haven't--as I've recently discovered--don't worry: you're well on your way.

I have finally encountered a situation that is sensitive in pretty much every place it can be sensitive and asks a big risk from my heart. It's one of those life-course-changing moments. I had thought I was a fearless person. I've moved from state to state knowing nobody, started challenging jobs, and taken tons of other risks that most people wouldn't dream of. They were a piece of cake, because I love adventure... that is, when I am in control of the adventure.

Tonight I heard a pastor say, "Your comfort zone is the enemy of your purpose."

Control is my comfort zone. And God is asking me for that idol, and its whole family along with it. See, I don't know much, but I do know now that God's way to your purpose usually isn't the way you would have chosen. But it is always a better way, a way that destroys strongholds before you even get there. And I can't live out my purpose if I'm living in my comfort zone, kicking it with control.

Control is an illusion anyway. As a middle-class, first-world American, I think I have control of a lot of things. But the fact is that I cannot control other people. Nor can I control God.

In fact, I can only somewhat control my own decisions, because, although I can take agency of my life, there are still many factors outside of my control. Those factors go to a higher entity. And so I can surrender my life to fear, or to God. That's the choice we all face.

Fear is great at control. It has kept most of the world in line with the enemy's plans for centuries. And it has convinced me that if I always expect the worst case scenario, I'll never be disappointed.

But if you climb up the cliff with God, thinking you're in for a good time, He's going to ask you for your idols. And not the baby ones. The big ones, rooted so deep it's going to feel like you're dying when He takes them out.

Because, well, you will be dying. Jesus said "take up your cross." He could be deeply metaphorical too. 

Before the pastor talked about the comfort zone thing, a different pastor got up and said (paraphrased),  “I believe tonight God is asking for you to give up an area of control to him that you've been holding on to for a long time because you don't want to change. He says he can do great things if you'll just trust him in this area.”

I was like, "Dude, did you read my diary? Did you eavesdrop on my conversations with God?"

God is gracious, because I asked Him to change me, and He won't let me out of it. He takes my prayers more seriously than I do. He has arranged matters so that I am forced to either change or die on the cliff. There's no turning back and going the way I came. I don't understand the full depth of this yet. It's very fresh. But I do know He is doing something big in a heart that has been the same way as long as I can remember. I feel like, until now, I've been playing a Christian game. Now we're in the real deal. I never thought I would ever have to confront my rock.

Maybe you don't either.

Don't get me wrong: it's important to look at a matter practically and evaluate risks. Unless God tells you to, don't do something that, by all evaluations, is just plain stupid. (Although He has been known to do that. Noah spent years building an ark during a drought, you know.) But at the end of the day, when you're facing a decision, you can make your best guess as to how far you need to jump and just go for it....or you can sit on the ledge, hanging on to a tree root, and let the killer ants bite your butt for the rest of your life. 

In the end, I jumped. My friends said my head was inches from the rock. Inches. I could have been dead. But Jesus knew just how far I needed to jump. And the ledge wasn't as slippery as I thought. And the fall was fun. And the impact was wonderful, not scary, like I thought it would be. It was a new experience. It was a blessing.

I'm looking now, metaphorically, into a  jump that is very uncertain. There could be a big blessing in it, one that could change my future radically. And I haven't made a decision yet, because it demands some time and a whole lot of waiting before the risk factor becomes a little more clear (which my former friend Impatience doesn't enjoy). I'm studying the jump. A good Father knows that a girl like me needs a little time to observe, think, and evaluate, like I did on the real cliff. 

But I know that, regardless of what happens, I have to choose to deal with Fear and her children Control, Distrust, and Pride. (Impatience is divorcing me by force at this point. There's no way around it. God knows I wouldn't break up with it otherwise.) 

Yes, the jump could kill me; but, if I don't deal with these idols, it doesn't matter if I jump or not: either way, I will SURELY die.

God is good, people. He'll let you stay in your comfort zone if you want. But big blessings require big risks. And you will eventually have to encounter your rock. It's coming. It's up to you to decide how you will deal with it. But don't let the enemy's imagination pollute your ability to accurately evaluate the risk. And, if the water looks fine and there's an adventure to be had...don't let the rock keep you from jumping.